The Sunrise Attempt

I only started my antibiotics on Monday and I feel like it has already been such a trip or maybe that’s just life!  I know people say it will get better, but when.

On Monday my initial intention was to show Paige a sunrise from Reddish Knob; it has become a James Madison tradition.  We woke up at 4:20 AM and threw on clothes to make sure we were going to be there in time for this sunrise and long story short I ended up picking the longest route to get there and I was driving to fast, swerved to miss deer, and crashed my car on a gravel road.  That isn’t even the worst part in my opinion, we are about 5 miles from the West Virginia border at 5 AM and there is absolutely no cell reception and we do not have any recollection of seeing any little mini markets.

We spent several hours with a tow truck driver named Jim, who was perverted, racist, and definitely a Republican.  He liked to share his views with Paige and I and liked to share stories about his 3 divorcées and his current marriage, but he could not accept that it did not matter what he was going to talk about I was shutting down.  I really wanted to start this antibiotic protocol off right; I completely froze in the tow truck at times to the point where I couldn’t even think like form sentences or think of words.  I hadn’t taken any medications yet that day, so needless to say not a good idea!

Anyway, the car was totaled.  I am numb, very numb.  I feel like I failed yet again and that I can’t win; I had great intentions.  I at least got up again the next day to try again so that is a positive.  But, when I did wake up I found out that the car is totaled so that is just what I needed to hear to try to stay positive.  The cost of a car comparable to what I was driving is about one month of IV antibiotics, so you can see what I am debating in my head.  I feel like it is one test after another and these tests were sent to the wrong girl. 

-Every thing sends me into a crying fit these daysà I am overly emotional

-I am also not really sleeping that much because I am super anxious about the future

-I have muscular, joint, and nerve pain but that isn’t newà bad headaches

-I also had a pretty bad right hand spasm the other day

-I can't think at all

-These are a few of the symptoms that I can think of off the top of my head, which doesn’t count for anything really at all

The only person I have been honest with about how I am feeling is Paige and luckily her trip has been extended because I don’t know what I would do without her.  She is staying until the 6^th thank god!  After our stressful day we did Bikram yoga, to be honest I have no idea why, but I am thankful we did because I felt like I got a lot of emotions out in that room and I have to start somewhere with this healing of the mind, body, and soul. 

Also for any other Lymies following this blog have you noticed nausea and intense drowsiness with IV Clindamycin?

“A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.”

Back on Track

Here is a quick med update:

I start my new protocol on Monday and am quite anxious about it because it sounds all fine and dandy now, but at the same time on Wednesday my best friend is leaving and that is probably when I will be herxing.  I had no idea just how much she was going to rejuvenate me and bring me so much joy.  I am scared to death for when she has to leave and I will be in the middle of this protocol:

MWF:  1 gram IV Merrem

            900 mg IV Clindamycin

            2 tsp Mepron

            800 mg Artemissinin

TWICE DAILYà luckily I can detox on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday with Lactaid Ringers

2 weeks on 2 weeks off and then I am going back to the doctors on Friday the 23^rd

“The greatest battle is not physical but psychological.  The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good.  They must always be answered by the quiet the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage.  We all suffer. Keep going.”   

Energy Levels

Since going back on the medication I have noticed my energy level has plummeted, but my pain level has significantly decreased.   Like I said on my previous post, I had never felt pain like I did when I stopped my medication cold turkey.  I am frustrated with side effects that are making me sleepy, especially while my best friend is here.  I know I made the right decision to go back on my meds, but at the same time I always have moments where I second guess myself and think is it truly worth it.  I seem to need more naps which can be frustrating.  

I also noticed something extremely uncharacteristic of myself that occurred last night; I didn’t check my grade for my online summer class right away.  Typically I am checking compulsively every hour until the teacher puts it up, but in my mind last week I was so focused on death and succumbing to death that a grade didn’t matter.  How was a grade going to help me if I were dead, I had way bigger things I was focused on last week.  Anyways, I did check my grade last night and I got a B+ and I actually was pleased with myself, usually I would have needed the A- but you know what I am alive.  That is what matters. 

“There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

Succumbing to Death

The past week has been full of many downs and of course a few ups!  After my doctors appointment on July 15^th I fell apart and thought it would be okay to succumb to death.  On July 17^th I stopped taking all of my medication and thought I could handle all of the pain and withdrawal symptoms that would be headed my way, boy was I in for a shock!  I didn’t sleep for two nights straight and I was in significant pain radiating from my spine; it hurt to sit down.  It felt like pins and needles, but in my head I had decided I was not going to surrender.  I really thought it was okay to die; I wanted to die.  I had cut off all communication with friends except two of my friends because I thought it would make dying easier.  I allowed my voicemail box to get full so that no one could leave messages anymore because I was tired of hearing people reach out and try to rescue me.  I was serious on this intention of death for some reason I am no longer afraid of dying like I once was.  I could see the desperation in my parent’s eyes for help, but at the same time I could see the desperation in my own eyes to be out of pain and misery. 

Saturday night my best friend from California flew into BWI and I was able to fight off some of the pain because I was so excited to see her.  But by Sunday the pain was so severe I was turning into such a significant bitch.  I didn’t want to be around anyone and I love Paige more than anyone.  I could tell my ear infection was getting worse in my right ear and my Dad made a comment and Paige began to get nervous I could tell.  When we were in the car alone together she expressed concern, severe concern.  She said she wouldn’t know what to do without me and she doesn’t mean that in the joking way; she means that in the genuine I need you to stay alive way.  She didn’t realize that I was slowly killing myself and I think that hit home; I saw it in her eyes that she was scared. 

On Monday after talking to Paige I decided to go back on antibiotics.  I talked to my LLMD and I have to go another week without antibiotics because I have to go back on all my other meds like Neurontin, Zonigran, Trileptal, etc.  I could tell my LLMD was a little disappointed that I just stopped taking all my meds all together without a wean down; she said she hoped I learned a valuable lesson, which I did.  Never had I experienced such significant pain!!!  My LLMD said the protocol that I was on had made my body too toxic and I couldn’t detox fast enough, so hopefully my next protocol won’t be nearly as rough!  We are going to back track a little just because the accelerated track for the IV antibiotics was a bit much for me, which I have come to understand!

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.” 

Biggest Hypocrite

I went to the doctors on Monday and it was a disaster; I just realized that I can't do all of these treatments anymore.  I have been sick for a third of my life and I am only 21.  I have taken so many people on this tremendous journey that always ends the same in pain and tears.  It is hard for me to keep getting up and out of bed, holding back how I feel.  I internalize a lot of my physical pain often, which is also why I think I cry a lot; I let it build up so bad that I can't stop crying.  At this point, I am too numb to talk about the doctors appointment or anything further because I am processing.  I can't even think, but all I know is that this poem best describes how I feel.  How long can I wait?  That is the question that I am seeking an answer for?