Let it Storm!

Sorry! I have not blogged recently things have been very chaotic and I tried to overextend myself in the past few weeks!

First, I had my sister’s prom, my Lyme doctor appointment, and graduation all in one week.  But, as if I couldn’t handle more I volunteered to babysit too, while taking a core psychology class online and please do not forget I have a PICC line in my arm!  Luckily this was an off week of antibiotics and I should have been resting and relaxing, but instead I was stressing it out.  Needless to say after this week my body did some detoxing of it’s own and on Friday night of that week I randomly started throwing up.  I think that was my body’s way of getting rid of the toxins, not only the Lyme toxins but also the emotional toxins.  I am just glad that was after my sister’s graduation party because I enough drama as it is. 

I had intended to get back to Harrisonburg, where I prefer to reside but the family asked me to babysit again because they had yet to find someone to babysit that they were comfortable with.  I agreed knowing that it would practically kill me with two new summer classes starting and the kids being out of school so now full days with them!  But, I agreed realizing how much I strive for perfection and looking back now, it by no means helped me.  Yes, I did form a special bond with the daughter and love some of the activities we did.  But some of the days I would come home and be so drained, with a piercing headache and just have so much work that it would make anyone go mad: I remember one night I didn’t get home until 6:40 and I just had to take Vicodin for my headache and went to bed at 9:15. 

That week I was also dealing with an ear infection, swollen glands, pain to the right of my breast bone, severe headaches in the frontal lobe and then also at the base of my neck, joint paint, and severe nerve/muscular pain.  I had a lot of storms and rain come through my area this week and my symptoms were flaring.  Also, the combination of schoolwork, babysitting and Lyme that week had made me extremely snappy and irritable.  If someone remotely interrupted me while I was doing my homework to ask me a question I would scream at them.  In addition, I had a baseline EKG done for my doctor and she has yet to interpret it so I will keep you updated on the results. 

Week of June 17^th

Thank god the family I babysit for found a permanent nanny because there is no way I could have babysit.  This week has been hell.  My family went away to Myrtle Beach, SC; I chose not to go.  First of all, it’s a beach and I can’t get my PICC wet or sandy, so why would I go to a beach.  But more importantly, I knew my protocol this week was going to be vicious and I prefer to be alone when I am like this because I know I am mean to people when I am going through pain.  If it were just pain this time I would have considered myself lucky!  I have kept most people especially my family in the dark about this so they don’t worry; everyone is constantly worrying about me.  I am 21; I should be able to take care of myself and handle everything for myself, which I have been for the most part. 

On Monday I still felt good; in my head I was kind of mocking everyone that told me that this was going to be harsh.  I was thinking they clearly do not know me, but by Thursday night I was thinking I clearly do not know what the fuck I am dealing with.  I have never been more nauseous, had more diarrhea, been in more pain, than I have been in the past few day.  I have even thrown up a handful of times.  I cannot find any food that looks remotely appetizing to me and as soon as I do try to eat I have to fight for my life to keep it down and fight the nausea, which is probably one of the hardest things I do all day.  I didn’t even leave the house yesterday and I only left the house on Tuesday to have dinner with someone because I knew I had to get out of the house.  Also, my hands have been so shaky, that was a random thought I just needed to throw in there. 

In addition, the medicine as it is detoxing the Lyme out of your body, plays games with your mind.  It makes me feel anxious, depressed, and so angry.  I find myself looking at other people’s lives, my good friend’s lives, whom I love, and getting jealous to the point of anger, an unhealthy emotion.  I will find myself crying over what feels like the loss of my youth (the good years).  I have become so anxious, that I am not sleeping as well as I had been, but that could also be attributed to pain.  I did poorly on two of my exams yesterday and I literally crumbled.  I hysterically sobbed for about 30 minutes in fetal position on hardwood floor; I study all day every day.  I take perfect notes, had I been healthy with a quick thinking mind I do not think this would have happened but who knows.  I can’t think like that, that is what kills people, their own mind. 

Ending thoughts to throw in there:

I started glutathione pushes into my IV and I have had 2 so far.  I have also started doing B12 shots again.  I had been doing them for the past few days and they would just leave small bruises.  I did one yesterday and somehow this is what it looks like:  

Furthermore, my heart rate has been higher than my top number of my blood pressure, which I think is also something of interest, to note and that was at two different times!  Everytime I got up I felt like I was crashing, but I knew I had to do it for my dogs or to go to the bathroom or to get more water or to even eat in general.  Taking care of my dogs was probably the most difficult task because they would want to go in and out, in and out all day and I could not get up that frequently.  But somehow I managed!                I refuse to sink.

        

"And once the storm is over, 

you won't remember how you made it through,

and how you managed to survive.

You won't even be sure, in fact

whether the storm is really over.

But one thing is certain.

When you come out of the storm,

you won't be the same person who walked in.

That's what the storm's all about. "