Week before Spring Break

College students, myself included, dread the week before spring break because all we see are dead lines with schoolwork.  This year was no different especially with four snow days thus far in the spring semester.  I had two snow days the week before spring break, which would seem picture perfect any other week.  This particularly week I had more deadlines than finals weeks, okay that was an exaggeration but you get the point.  I had two tests, a paper with an ambiguous topic, two phone calls, I had to run research participants, I had to drop off dog food for Kona, and I had to pack for spring break!  Usually I have a four-day week (no Fridays) but this week due to the snow I only had a two-day week, which left just Wednesday and Thursday.  I was going home Thursday night because I had my Lyme specialist on Friday at noon in DC; it made more sense for me to drive home, then drive to the doctors and then from there I was going to just go to Florida via 95.  Plus, my sister was flying in on Thursday night from Notre Dame and any added time to see my sister was a huge bonus because we never get to see each other anymore, but I must admit we are talking more on the phone.  In high school my sister and I were extremely close, I would drive her to school in the mornings when I got my license, but then when I went to Elon for my freshman year of college our relationship fell apart.  When we did speak, our conversations were surface based for all practical purposes they contained no meaning.  Now I feel like we are rebuilding our relationship, piece by piece; people weren't kidding when they said Rome wasn't built in a day, that is how I feel with our relationship.  

I completely wasted my Monday away; I couldn't even tell you what I did.  I think I slept most of the day and cleaned my room.  I was exhausted and my body ached; plus I felt very frazzled for some reason, perhaps because I had numerous deadlines this week and I had a snow day, which meant I was trapped in my house with my 3 other roommates.  Granted I love my roommates to death, but I have to get out every day.  I hate being stuck inside and there was the dreaded possibility that there would be another snow day the next day too!  If there was another snow day, that would mean there would be no Cognitive Psych review in class and we would be missing an important lecture before the test; I know she would put the information online, but it is not the same as an in class lecture.  To my dismay, there was another snow day, my roommates were ecstatic, all I saw was work piling up in my head and my throat was beginning to tighten when I received a text message from one of my roommates about free pancake day at Ihop.  I decided I had to get out of the house to be able to clear my head, then come back and begin my to-do list.  However, the day did not go as I had planned. 

By Tuesday night I realized I was not prepared at all for this little vacation to Florida or for any of my upcoming work due Thursday!  The most successful part of my day was going out to brunch with my roommates and friends to eat Ihop pancakes for St. Judes Hospital.  The place was packed, but completely worth it in my opinion.  I even saw my friend Brie there, which I was shocked that I was able to recognize anyone amongst the crowds of people.  I must admit I did enjoy my omelet and my stack of pancakes, but what I did not enjoy was the time I wasted waiting to be seated (over an hour) and then the time I wasted waiting for my food.

It does look kind of worth it, doesn't it?  Not the gluten part though :( !

My anxiety was growing rapidly after I returned home from Ihop and realized the time, but one thing that does make me smile when I am anxious about my to-do list or when I don’t feel well, is my family group chat on the iPhone.  Thank goodness my Dad got an Iphone or else he would be hating life right now with the amount of texts we send in the group chat now.  I do give my Mom props as she always knows how to make my sister and I laugh when we need it.  Here are two photos that I received during the week before Spring break; not only did I get a good chuckle, but my roommates did too!

Who wouldn't smile at Teddy (my dog from home) laying in my Dad's half of the bed ?

Clearly placed by my Mom

Teddy my dog from home

Come Wednesday I did not feel well at all.  I hadn’t been sleeping well, my muscles were contracting and I had nerve pain in my back/neck (pins and needles).  Plus recently I have been having pain when I breathe in; I feel the pain on the right side of my ribs and then I also feel pressure on my sternum.  Not that any time is the ideal time not to feel well, but this certainly was not the ideal time.  I began to panic and cry, when my body regresses to previous states before antibiotics I begin to feel like all of my cycles of antibiotics were worthless.  I got into this vicious thought process and then before I knew it, I had wasted a few hours; wasting a few hours then made me more anxious because I hadn’t even had time to study for my Cognitive Psych test, do laundry, or further write my paper on “What made me who I am”?  What makes me normal/abnormal?.  I quickly realized I had to get the ball rolling if I wanted to do well on my paper and my test; I threw a load of laundry in and started studying for my test because the paper was due Friday night by 9pm.  I knew that I didn’t want to take the paper home with me when I left on Thursday, but if worse came to worse I would do that because I needed to do well on my Cognitive Psych test. 

The worst thing a teacher can do is psych you out and tell you that in the past this is the test most people fail, this is precisely what my teacher did for my Cognitive Psych test.  With that being said, I did not allow that to affect my mentality too much; I still studied like I normally would have.  I had music on in the background and chewed my Orbit flavored mint gum, which I personally think helps me retain my information better.  I always chew gum when I study and then when I take a test I chew that same flavored gum to jot my memory, some say that doesn’t affect your memory at all, but it is actually scientifically proven to enhance your memory.

After finishing the test, I was in full panic mode, I thought I got a B and quite frankly I wanted an A.  Many people think that sounds selfish and greedy but you know what I work hard for my grades and I am not satisfied with B’s; I earn A’s.  The test is composed of 30 multiple-choice questions and there were a few multiple choice questions that I had to guess on; as you can imagine I was anxious about it.  I didn’t want to have to leave for break not knowing my grade, but my teacher reassured me that she was going to go have the tests graded and then she was going to email us our grades because the tests were scantron, which makes it easy on her. 

I hurried back to my house to write another page of my paper, trying to scan my head for ideas of what made me who I was because to be honest that was a loaded question to try to answer in 3-4 pages, right before spring break.  How would you define normal?  How would you define abnormal especially after being sick for seven years or actually how would you define abnormal in general?  I don’t like the terms normal or abnormal; in my opinion it is just another way for society to categorize people.  Here is an excerpt from my paper for my child psychopathology class:

Over the past seven years, while dealing with college, relationships, and jobs, I have also been struggling with my Lyme disease. On the outside, I look like any other blue-eyed, dirty blonde hair, social college student. Many people, including some of my closest friends, do not realize that I have shifted from the loud, outgoing extrovert to a quiet introvert. It pains me when I have to talk in front of others. These are all new developments as a result of my Lyme disease. I am now self-conscious and very susceptible to judgment. I am also always worried about how people will react to my choice of treatment of my Lyme disease. I chose a controversial method, as not much is known about it yet. I currently have a PICC line in my left arm that delivers antibiotics intravenously to my central nervous system. Most people, though, would not even notice my PICC at first glance; I hide it because I do not want it to handicap me. I struggled at first to find “normalcy” while living a life so unlike that of my peers, but I have learned how to adjust to life with it and realize how much benefit it adds to my health, which significantly outweighs the costs.  I may not be able to exercise the way I would like, swim, get my arm wet, etc, but I am not bedbound!  In addition, my close friends and family have been able to help me make light of the situation; in my family, we say I have a “Nemo” arm and it actually does make it something to smile about!  It is finding joy in the little things. 
I may not be able to control things that happen as a result of my Lyme disease, so I try to control what I can. I focus on my strengths and try to overcome my weaknesses. When I was at my sickest, my weakest, I would cry to my mom that I just wanted to be normal. She constantly reminded me that there is no “normal.” Everyone is different and unique in their own way; everyone has different strengths, values, and experiences. I have learned that we all want to fit in with the “status quo,” but being different is just as important. While I do not define myself as “normal” or, on the other hand, “abnormal,” I am still trying to find where I belong.  I try to let my values, my friends and my abilities define me. Since becoming sick, I have realized that everyone’s differences can be utilized in different ways to try to attain the highest level of personal success.  “Normal” and “abnormal” are our societies way of labeling people and then isolating them into their specific categories where some people are welcome and others are not.  I am not going to define myself in those terms; I would rather be defined by my values, my friends and my abilities. 

My childhood and the values that my parents instill in me radically shaped my life. Unfortunately my Lyme disease has also played a big role in my life, but I try not to let that negatively impact me. I have learned that if I can understand myself, how I view my strengths, my weaknesses, and myself, I can undertake any challenge. 

Quite an impactful excerpt if I do say so myself and on that note I will end this blog post.  Coming soon in the next post will be my doctor’s appointment, my trip to Florida and like always a little plot twist! 

 

P.S. I realized that I sound OCD when I talk about my grades needing to be A’s and how I am not satisfied with B’s, does anyone else have this symptom as a result of Lyme or coinfection?  I have heard of other people that have developed OCD; the doctor says it is not uncommon with Bartonella. 

“Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not.”