Isolation

Although I make a conscious effort to get out of my house and surround myself with other people specifically my friends, I still feel very isolated.  Even when I am with my friends, I feel like a ghost.  I feel as though I am just going through the motions of being there and really I am only there in body, my mind is elsewhere.  I feel like a zombie, whom others cannot relate to.

With this being said, I did make a really big effort to get out of my house on both Friday and today to do something to get me moving, so I chose my all time favorite activityà hot yoga!  I was just gifted a Groupon to a hot yoga studio by my house, Friday was my first time going to this studio and I have to say the energy in the studio was very comforting to my mood.  I was able to relax and feel accepted.  Being able to sweat made me feel like I was releasing some of the toxins that the intravenous antibiotics were killing off.

Friday afternoon, the Goo Goo Dolls played at Pimlico racetrack and I found tickets for $13 on Living Social, which is almost a steal!  I convinced my friend Jordan to go with me and country singer Rodney Atkins played first!  It was such a great night; I had forgotten how many hit songs the Goo Goo Dolls had.  They have Iris, Black Balloons, Slide, Notbroken, Let Love In, and Better Days just to name a few!  This reminded me of the perfect summer night, perfect sunshine, good company, and good music!  While at the concert, we met these two women in their fifties who told us they were drunk which was very obvious, but the best part of the story was that they told us they were drunk and didn’t care what other people thought about them.  I could tell that they were very classy women, who were just best friends that wanted to let loose.  I looked at Jordan and said I hope one day we are like that.  I mean they were falling all over the place and laughing hysterically until they were crying!  They had that much spirit!

Anyways after the concert, I went to go over my best friend Jenn from high school’s house.  She was only home for the weekend because she has to stay at Clemson for the summer.  I was truly looking forward to some bonding time between the two of us.  Let me rephrase that… I needed some bonding time between the two of us.  I am beginning to lose my mind.  I can feel my body beginning to get weaker every day more things are beginning to hurt due to the antibiotics, the same thing happened last summer but I am going to put up one hell of a fight this year!  She watched me fade last summer and was one of the few friends that stood by me but I really needed to see her this time she came up for the weekend.  I arrived at her house and a few other people showed up and within one hour and fifteen minutes they had decided they were going to the bar.  I left her house at 11:43 fuming literally fuming.  I was crying, teardrops were just rolling down my cheeks.  How could I have not been hurt, she knew I couldn’t drink and I am not 21 and there was a bouncer at the door so I couldn’t even get in and sit at the table!  It was just ridiculous.

By the time I got home I was so angry, that I couldn’t sleep even though I was passed exhaustion.  I took 2 baclofen and an ambien and didn’t sleep.  By 2:30 I took another ambien and still woke up at 7:30 un-rested; I think I was still so angry that I physically couldn’t sleep.  Maybe that is all in my head.  Who knows.  I have also noticed air hunger coming back and chest pain coming back… à I know that is not good! 

Today though my Mom went to hot yoga with me, which was a nice routine.  I felt good knowing she was exercising.  As my health continues to decrease, her blood pressure continues to increase.  I hate knowing that I am a main contributor for her high blood pressure, she refuses to go on blood pressure medication for good reason but at the same time there is a line and she has reached it.  She did make it through the whole hot yoga class though!  Then, my lactated ringer today took over four hours; I was more than bored.  During the time it took for it to finish a drip I took a nap, took an online test, read a chapter for my online course, and watched a movie!  Next thing I knew my Dad was getting home from being gone all day, he must have hit a nerve in me because then all of a sudden he was rushing out the door and I felt like I was alone again.  Alone like I always am!  These IVs are very time consuming, boring, isolating, and at the end of the day when my family gets home I want to see them and have actual conversation!  I don’t want them rushing off somewhere else! 

I did confront them at dinnerà  They may say it was more of a snap, but it got the point across.  A lot has been building up and I didn’t mean to snap but I did, luckily after dinner we all ended up going on a nice walk together then went and bought Powerball tickets.  Wish me luck J

I am going to end on the quote of “ A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.”