Succumbing to Death

The past week has been full of many downs and of course a few ups!  After my doctors appointment on July 15^th I fell apart and thought it would be okay to succumb to death.  On July 17^th I stopped taking all of my medication and thought I could handle all of the pain and withdrawal symptoms that would be headed my way, boy was I in for a shock!  I didn’t sleep for two nights straight and I was in significant pain radiating from my spine; it hurt to sit down.  It felt like pins and needles, but in my head I had decided I was not going to surrender.  I really thought it was okay to die; I wanted to die.  I had cut off all communication with friends except two of my friends because I thought it would make dying easier.  I allowed my voicemail box to get full so that no one could leave messages anymore because I was tired of hearing people reach out and try to rescue me.  I was serious on this intention of death for some reason I am no longer afraid of dying like I once was.  I could see the desperation in my parent’s eyes for help, but at the same time I could see the desperation in my own eyes to be out of pain and misery. 

Saturday night my best friend from California flew into BWI and I was able to fight off some of the pain because I was so excited to see her.  But by Sunday the pain was so severe I was turning into such a significant bitch.  I didn’t want to be around anyone and I love Paige more than anyone.  I could tell my ear infection was getting worse in my right ear and my Dad made a comment and Paige began to get nervous I could tell.  When we were in the car alone together she expressed concern, severe concern.  She said she wouldn’t know what to do without me and she doesn’t mean that in the joking way; she means that in the genuine I need you to stay alive way.  She didn’t realize that I was slowly killing myself and I think that hit home; I saw it in her eyes that she was scared. 

On Monday after talking to Paige I decided to go back on antibiotics.  I talked to my LLMD and I have to go another week without antibiotics because I have to go back on all my other meds like Neurontin, Zonigran, Trileptal, etc.  I could tell my LLMD was a little disappointed that I just stopped taking all my meds all together without a wean down; she said she hoped I learned a valuable lesson, which I did.  Never had I experienced such significant pain!!!  My LLMD said the protocol that I was on had made my body too toxic and I couldn’t detox fast enough, so hopefully my next protocol won’t be nearly as rough!  We are going to back track a little just because the accelerated track for the IV antibiotics was a bit much for me, which I have come to understand!

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.”