My Mom, Payton (sister), Kasey (her friend), and I took the metro down to the concert which wasn't as bad or crowded as I had expected and the concert was awesome! I didn't enjoy her new songs near as much as I did her old songs though. I still love her song Love Story; it is such a fairytale like song. I also loved her new song 22 that she described as embracing the unknown, which I related to my life with Lyme disease and about how so many things in my life are unknown right now and that is all I keep thinking about.
I keep thinking about, how long will I be on intravenous antibiotics?, will I be able to go back to school in the fall?, will these antibiotics be strong enough this time?, is it worth going through this all over again or should I try to just live a healthy lifestyle? Who knows what the best option is? I always feel guilty for the amount of money the treatment is, for the uncertainty of how the treatment is going to react in my body, for how I act when I get angry or don't feel well, and for just how much I have put my family and close friends through in general. I can't explain a lot of what happens to me and that can be very isolating if people don't ask questions to better try to understand me and aren't patient with me.
Then yesterday was Mother's Day and my Mom's only wish was that the house be cleaned. Let me tell you that wasn't a small request, our house was messy, not dirty, but messy. We have a cleaning lady, that comes once a week, so cleanliness isn't the issue. The issue is the accumulation of stuff everywhere because Payton just moved back into the house from the dorms and I have temporarily moved home for the summer, so needless to say we have stuff everywhere! We had a blender sitting on the floor, supplements scattered all over the house, dirty clothes in the hallway, and thats just to start the list! I sorted all of my pills for the next two weeks which is an ordeal in itself, then picked up around the house, and began hardcore cleaning my room. When cleaning my room, I became quite nostalgic. I have a big box of old birthday cards, letters, accomplishments, you name it and I probably saved it if it meant a lot to me. I was filled with mixed emotions looking through the box and putting new letters and cards in the box; part of me was happy and felt loved my so many people. But then there was another part of me that was sad and missed some of the people that had been apart of these memories. I know that there is a reason these people aren't currently in my present and that the world has a weird way of working itself out.
After I cleaned my room I was exhausted, lately I have been very sore and keep getting fatigued quickly. I feel like I have a three hour window then I need a two and a half hour nap because that is exactly how Mother's Day was I needed a nap after a few hours. It is so frustrating; I get jealous of watching other people go all day long and not fatigue as quickly. But, it is what it is while I am healing. It was nice because my grandma was able to come out for dinner which my sister cooked so that my Mom had a break. Everything was running really smoothly until my Mom brought up my 21st birthday and drinking. I guess we had two very different ideas of how it was going to occur. I have been picturing my 21st birthday since I was 16 and had my first drink with my best friend Jenn. This Lyme disease has already taken so much from me, I just am not letting it take my 21st birthday from me as well. And my Mom just doesn't see it that way. I think what scares her most is knowing how many antibiotics I will be on around my birthday because that does lower your tolerance and I do not drink often so I will already have lower tolerance. I just really did not expect her to freak out as much as she did because in my opinion drinking on the night of your 21st is a given and something I have talked about since I was probably 16!!! She reacted so immaturely as to say that the rest of my family was going to go out to dinner on the night of my birthday without me since I clearly had other plans. I am sure she will warm up to the idea and come around though as it gets closer to my actual birthday.
Anyways, last night I actually slept a surprising 10 hours! This Remeron and Marinol combination is working quite well for me; I think my body was getting to used to the Ambien and Xanax so mixing it up is working! I am just thankful I am getting sleep. Today was my first antibiotic day through the IV. At first my Mom and I couldn't figure out how to mix the 1 gram of Merrem with the Saline so we had to call the doctors office and be connected to an infusion nurse, who kindly walked us through the process. Then for some reason as soon as the Merrem was finished running dripping intravenously, blood started traveling back through the PICC line. Here is a picture in case you can't imagine what that would look like:
My ending quote is "Take pride in how far you have come and take faith in how far you can go."
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