The Sunrise Attempt

I only started my antibiotics on Monday and I feel like it has already been such a trip or maybe that’s just life!  I know people say it will get better, but when.

On Monday my initial intention was to show Paige a sunrise from Reddish Knob; it has become a James Madison tradition.  We woke up at 4:20 AM and threw on clothes to make sure we were going to be there in time for this sunrise and long story short I ended up picking the longest route to get there and I was driving to fast, swerved to miss deer, and crashed my car on a gravel road.  That isn’t even the worst part in my opinion, we are about 5 miles from the West Virginia border at 5 AM and there is absolutely no cell reception and we do not have any recollection of seeing any little mini markets.

We spent several hours with a tow truck driver named Jim, who was perverted, racist, and definitely a Republican.  He liked to share his views with Paige and I and liked to share stories about his 3 divorcées and his current marriage, but he could not accept that it did not matter what he was going to talk about I was shutting down.  I really wanted to start this antibiotic protocol off right; I completely froze in the tow truck at times to the point where I couldn’t even think like form sentences or think of words.  I hadn’t taken any medications yet that day, so needless to say not a good idea!

Anyway, the car was totaled.  I am numb, very numb.  I feel like I failed yet again and that I can’t win; I had great intentions.  I at least got up again the next day to try again so that is a positive.  But, when I did wake up I found out that the car is totaled so that is just what I needed to hear to try to stay positive.  The cost of a car comparable to what I was driving is about one month of IV antibiotics, so you can see what I am debating in my head.  I feel like it is one test after another and these tests were sent to the wrong girl. 

-Every thing sends me into a crying fit these daysà I am overly emotional

-I am also not really sleeping that much because I am super anxious about the future

-I have muscular, joint, and nerve pain but that isn’t newà bad headaches

-I also had a pretty bad right hand spasm the other day

-I can't think at all

-These are a few of the symptoms that I can think of off the top of my head, which doesn’t count for anything really at all

The only person I have been honest with about how I am feeling is Paige and luckily her trip has been extended because I don’t know what I would do without her.  She is staying until the 6^th thank god!  After our stressful day we did Bikram yoga, to be honest I have no idea why, but I am thankful we did because I felt like I got a lot of emotions out in that room and I have to start somewhere with this healing of the mind, body, and soul. 

Also for any other Lymies following this blog have you noticed nausea and intense drowsiness with IV Clindamycin?

“A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.”

Back on Track

Here is a quick med update:

I start my new protocol on Monday and am quite anxious about it because it sounds all fine and dandy now, but at the same time on Wednesday my best friend is leaving and that is probably when I will be herxing.  I had no idea just how much she was going to rejuvenate me and bring me so much joy.  I am scared to death for when she has to leave and I will be in the middle of this protocol:

MWF:  1 gram IV Merrem

            900 mg IV Clindamycin

            2 tsp Mepron

            800 mg Artemissinin

TWICE DAILYà luckily I can detox on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday with Lactaid Ringers

2 weeks on 2 weeks off and then I am going back to the doctors on Friday the 23^rd

“The greatest battle is not physical but psychological.  The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good.  They must always be answered by the quiet the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage.  We all suffer. Keep going.”   

Energy Levels

Since going back on the medication I have noticed my energy level has plummeted, but my pain level has significantly decreased.   Like I said on my previous post, I had never felt pain like I did when I stopped my medication cold turkey.  I am frustrated with side effects that are making me sleepy, especially while my best friend is here.  I know I made the right decision to go back on my meds, but at the same time I always have moments where I second guess myself and think is it truly worth it.  I seem to need more naps which can be frustrating.  

I also noticed something extremely uncharacteristic of myself that occurred last night; I didn’t check my grade for my online summer class right away.  Typically I am checking compulsively every hour until the teacher puts it up, but in my mind last week I was so focused on death and succumbing to death that a grade didn’t matter.  How was a grade going to help me if I were dead, I had way bigger things I was focused on last week.  Anyways, I did check my grade last night and I got a B+ and I actually was pleased with myself, usually I would have needed the A- but you know what I am alive.  That is what matters. 

“There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

Succumbing to Death

The past week has been full of many downs and of course a few ups!  After my doctors appointment on July 15^th I fell apart and thought it would be okay to succumb to death.  On July 17^th I stopped taking all of my medication and thought I could handle all of the pain and withdrawal symptoms that would be headed my way, boy was I in for a shock!  I didn’t sleep for two nights straight and I was in significant pain radiating from my spine; it hurt to sit down.  It felt like pins and needles, but in my head I had decided I was not going to surrender.  I really thought it was okay to die; I wanted to die.  I had cut off all communication with friends except two of my friends because I thought it would make dying easier.  I allowed my voicemail box to get full so that no one could leave messages anymore because I was tired of hearing people reach out and try to rescue me.  I was serious on this intention of death for some reason I am no longer afraid of dying like I once was.  I could see the desperation in my parent’s eyes for help, but at the same time I could see the desperation in my own eyes to be out of pain and misery. 

Saturday night my best friend from California flew into BWI and I was able to fight off some of the pain because I was so excited to see her.  But by Sunday the pain was so severe I was turning into such a significant bitch.  I didn’t want to be around anyone and I love Paige more than anyone.  I could tell my ear infection was getting worse in my right ear and my Dad made a comment and Paige began to get nervous I could tell.  When we were in the car alone together she expressed concern, severe concern.  She said she wouldn’t know what to do without me and she doesn’t mean that in the joking way; she means that in the genuine I need you to stay alive way.  She didn’t realize that I was slowly killing myself and I think that hit home; I saw it in her eyes that she was scared. 

On Monday after talking to Paige I decided to go back on antibiotics.  I talked to my LLMD and I have to go another week without antibiotics because I have to go back on all my other meds like Neurontin, Zonigran, Trileptal, etc.  I could tell my LLMD was a little disappointed that I just stopped taking all my meds all together without a wean down; she said she hoped I learned a valuable lesson, which I did.  Never had I experienced such significant pain!!!  My LLMD said the protocol that I was on had made my body too toxic and I couldn’t detox fast enough, so hopefully my next protocol won’t be nearly as rough!  We are going to back track a little just because the accelerated track for the IV antibiotics was a bit much for me, which I have come to understand!

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.” 

Biggest Hypocrite

I went to the doctors on Monday and it was a disaster; I just realized that I can't do all of these treatments anymore.  I have been sick for a third of my life and I am only 21.  I have taken so many people on this tremendous journey that always ends the same in pain and tears.  It is hard for me to keep getting up and out of bed, holding back how I feel.  I internalize a lot of my physical pain often, which is also why I think I cry a lot; I let it build up so bad that I can't stop crying.  At this point, I am too numb to talk about the doctors appointment or anything further because I am processing.  I can't even think, but all I know is that this poem best describes how I feel.  How long can I wait?  That is the question that I am seeking an answer for?  

Purpose For Being Alive

Although this week has been rough, I have been able to find immense joy in helping two women with their children; it has ensured me that I do have a purpose on this world.  I always seem to have the most outlandish encounters in Starbucks., but I am thankful for each and every one of them because they have taught me some type of lesson.  The saying goes that every person you meet is either a blessing or a lesson and these two interactions were most definitely blessings that came at exactly the right time in my life.

The first encounter came on Thursday, while I was talking to my friend Dan, who is a regular at Starbucks, and I was explaining to him my housing problems for next year and my current health status.  I sat down next to him in a nice comfy chair, where there happen to be two other comfy chairs in the vicinity and one was occupied.  As I continued to talk I kept an eye on the time because I was meeting with a professor about research in 40 minutes, the woman, who was occupying one of the comfy chairs jumps in the conversation.  I learn she is from Blacksburg and is just stopping on her way to Northern Virginia because her daughter is in labor, if my daughter was in labor I would be in a bit of a rush but she says its been a slow process so she isn’t too worried.  She said she was going to be the grandmother, who visited a few times a year and bought lots of presents with her because she still had kids at home. 

As the conversation developed I talked a little about Lyme disease and she talked about how her son had Lyme when he was younger and he is currently 17 and just such a problem child.  I asked her if he had ever tested for coinfections and how long he was treated for Lyme, etc.  She said he was treated for a pretty long time and that he did test positive for Babesia.  Babesia is the hardest to treat and requires a LLMD that really know what they are doing to eradicate the bug because it does resemble malaria.  I start asking her some basic questions about his behavior and then I asked if he had muscle pain, headaches and a few other questions.  She said he is very angry, doctors want to diagnose him as ODD, he wets the bed now, he complains of headaches frequently, his knees hurt, and his back hurts!  I looked her in the eye and said “ma’am your son has Lyme and Babesia still”.  It hasn’t gone away and she said, do you really think so because my husband said the same thing I just didn’t believe it. 

At this point I really had to go but I wrote down all of my information and told her to contact me.  The first thing she said was would you be willing to meet on a Sunday with my son and I to talk to him about all of this because I wouldn’t even know how to explain it.  I told her I would meet with you any day of the week because I am so passionate about helping fellow Lymies seek treatment and know they are not alone.  She said he feels alone with symptoms such as anger and bed-wetting.  She was amazed.  I left feeling empowered and left feeling like I had made a difference in someone else’s life, which is exactly what I want to do with my life and why I want to be a Counselor.

The second encounter was one of those encounters that I have to believe was meant to be.  I had originally planned to do my homework that morning in the library, but to my astonishment when I arrived, I found out that the library is actually closed on Saturdays.  Naturally, I headed to Starbucks to get my work done and I was seated at a small table for two, when after thirty minutes a mother, her daughter, and a guidance counselor sit down next to me and begin talking.  I had headphones in so I could concentrate on my homework, but I could not tear myself away from the story that I was overhearing next to me because I knew the story all to well.  The story that I was hearing resembled numerous bits and pieces of stories that I had experienced in high school. 

The overall summary of the story was that the girl’s mother had read her texts and found out that she had smoked marijuana at a friend’s house.  The friend’s house, where the girl had smoked, was a very unhealthy living environment for the girl and while they were smoking the girls younger siblings were around because there is almost no supervision.  Of course there is more to the story that I did overhear but those are the main points.  The girl, who was sitting in Starbucks, was terrified.  Terrified she was caught, terrified to be talking about her friend’s situation, terrified of the punishment she was facing, and terrified her friends were going to hate her for telling on them.  She was crying and the counselor said do you want to help your friend or not.  The girl did say she wanted to help her friend. 

After lots of tears, talking about moving forward, and talking about the story in general, they began to get up from the table, and I ask if I could talk to the young girl.  The mother and counselor said go ahead!  I was shocked they said that because I was a stranger, but I told her everyone makes mistakes and now at this point it is how you move forward.  I told her I had very similar experiences like my mom reading my texts and getting caught doing things I knew I was not supposed to be doing, before but I was going to be a senior in the fall; those mistakes never held me back.  Those mistakes do not define who she is by any means.  As she sat speechless, tears just started to flow down her face.  I told her it was going to be okay and know matter how terrible it feels now it does get better!  She said thank you and I could tell I helped her.  I said good-bye to her and was sitting with a smile on my face continuing to type up a reading guide for my psychology class. 

Then ten minutes later, her mother walked in and with her eyes swollen with tears and said whatever you said to my daughter I cannot thank you enough.  She walked out of here and just cried, but I think you got through to her.  She said you had been through similar thinks and that you made it to the other side.  The mother asked me if I thought her daughter was going to be okay and I said yes, I do, no doubt in my mind.  She needed this to change; our mistakes do not define us.  I think the mother also needed this as a learning experience; I gave her my information to give to her daughter for someone to confide in and talk to anytime she needed it.  The mother gave me her business card because she was that unbelievably grateful.  All I did was console her daughter, which once again is exactly what I want to do with my life.  

It’s interactions like these that remind me that I do have a purpose for being alive when I think that there is no end in sight.  I have to keep remembering these interactions when I feel as though I am only alive to suffer. 

“At the end of the day, you can focus on what’s tearing you apart, or what’s holding you together.”

Just Keep Fighting

Medical Update

I was told by my LLMD to take the Amoxicillin and the antibiotic eardrops even though it was supposed to be my week off of antibiotics!  I understand where they are coming from, but I so desperately was looking forward to that week off of antibiotics where my body could just detox, detox, detox.  I almost think when I go to the drs on Monday that I will end up getting a week off because my body is still not fighting off infections and was not able to get a week off.

My biggest fear in going to the doctors next week is the doctor telling me that I am not strong enough to go to school next semester.  I need school like a newborn baby needs its own mom’s breast milk.  Even if I take a reduced reduced reduced load I have to go.  What would I do at home, especially with my sister gone?  It would be devastating to me.

In addition, I went to my GP in Harrisonburg and asked for an MRI because I think I have a pinched nerve or maybe a disc out of place, whatever it is, I know something is off.  He was out of town so I had to have a substitute doctor that did not understand my level of pain or my situation with Lyme disease; he quickly began questioning my medication and sent me for a X-ray, which is only going to cost me more money because I know in the long run I am going to have to have a MRI done eventually.  The X- ray showed moderate scoliosis that would require physical therapy, but I am not convinced because I would have had that for sometime now and I know something has changed recently, so I called and left a message for my GP to call me so that I can speak to him personally about the situation.  I need a MRI and even if I have to go to a spine specialist first, who will then send me for a MRI that is fine, but I just want to know who to go to!  Just daily Lyme struggles that I will conquer each and every day! :)

Weird Symptoms that I am not used to-->

*electrical shocks

*movement I truly cannot control

But, some exciting news I did finally finish my technology requirements that I had been procrastinating for over a year and a half now!  I had a hold on my account for registering for classes, that is the severity of the procrastination!  I must say for as easy as I expected them to be they were much more difficult, but I feel a sense of relief now that I am done!  It took two days for this task to be completed and it was only 3 testsà Microsoft, PowerPoint and Excel.  My biggest struggle was Excel, but I conquered it today!  I do not give up, no matter what area of my life it is.

In addition, I talked to someone in disability services and also got forms today for signing up for learning accommodations for the fall if I am able to come back for the fall so that my doctor can fill them out on Monday.  The only one that I am interested in is extra time on tests because I mentally cannot process information as fast as I used to be able to especially with Neurontin, Zonegran, Topamax, and all the antibiotics such as CoArtem.  It slows me down without a doubt.  I hate to admit it.  At first I felt like a failure going in and asking for these forms, I never wanted to be that kid, but I do have a disease with 2 maybe more coinfections that are in my central nervous system.  This is not an excuse, this is me coming to terms with the reality of my situation which I was proud of myself for being able to accept who I am.  Sometimes we forget how hard that is.

HUGE NEWS THOUGH!  My really good friend Kelsey who is 22 and married to her high school sweetheart Tyler who changes my dressing finally bought land to build a house!!!! I could not be happier for two amazing people.  They were renting a house on land, but they were ready for the next chapter of their life and that was looking for an acre or acre and a half of land to build a house on and begin to raise a family in a few years in that house!  The last few pieces of land they were looking at were around an acre of land for $25,000-40,000 or more which was just not in their budget right not and all of the sudden last night she called me and their luck turned around.  They found an acre and a half of land near their family for less; it was God’s way of saying your luck is changing Kelsey and Tyler.  Your storm is letting up and you will be seeing blue skies shortly, just be patient.  I believe it for the two of them.  It gives me hope.

Also, my roommate Jamie is designing me a tattoo that I have wanted for over a year now but I am 100% set on it now and I want her to design it.  There is no one else I would ask to design it or ever envision designing it.  That is the thing about Jamie, she sees things with different eyes than the rest of the world and that is what I admire about her.  She doesn’t follow the path that everyone else does; she creates her own path and that is where she gets her originality.  The tattoo she was working on last night resonated with me; it included everything that symbolized what I had gone through or meant something to me and yet, it was done in elegance.  I am not going to leak a picture until it is completely finished and I have the symbol on my body providing strength and inspiration from that day forward until the rest of my life.  The nice thing about this tattoo nobody will ever have to see it and it is for me, not anybody else, I will never have to explain it or justify to anyone else.  All that matters is what it means to me and damn, it has quite a meaning for the journey that I have been through and am going through. 

I dare you to watch this youtube video and tell me what you think… I watched this dance last night with my roommate and it really hit close to home probably to close to home.  I am crying as I type this because some days I feel like Mackenzie and I feel like my family is Paul doing everything they can to keep me alive and wont let go.  I hate that where is the line tens of thousands of thousands of dollars worth of treatment for someone whose body shakes with the thought of giving up.  Of course as I type this the song The Funeral by the Band of Horses comes up on my Pandora so now this is a sob fest. 

Luckily my Lyme friends have a great help through this time of deep depression.  I had a three way phone call with Laurie and Susan the other night and they told me this is a normal feeling, but for how long and they told me keep calling and call anytime no matter the time.  Pain and depression are a deadly combination.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc24-W9oWDs  --> the dance

“There are two types of pain in this in this world: pain that hurts you & pain that changes you!”

Little Steps Create Big Steps

After realizing I was a bit depressing yesterday, I decided to add some positivity today and blog about some things that either make me happy or that I am looking forward to in the near future!

 This is little Stevie!

 Little Stevie is my friend Heather's son; he is only a month and a few days old now!  Heather picked me up from the house the other day and we went shopping for him and absolutely had a field day and I can't even begin to tell you how much fun I had.  He is the most well mannered baby I have ever met, never cries except when he is hungry.  This was my favorite purchase for him!  They were on sale for only 5.96 how could Heather not!

Anyways, they say it is the little things that bring you the most joy!  With that being said, I created a list of things to do for when my best friend Paige visits from California from the 20th-31st!  I could not be more excited for this trip, last summer she saved my life and this summer I am hoping her wealth of energy will do the same.  Here is my list so far....I must say I add to it every single day as I get more and more excited for her to get here!

My visit to the puppy farm, instant happiness!  I just wish I could go more often!

 

Palm Springs, California visiting my best friend and escaping the cold what could be better!

This one is a joke between my friends and family because of how irritable I seem because of the Lyme and how I never seem to want to wear pants or clothes for that matter!  But it does always make me laugh seeing this photo

Then last but not least, my first day without my PICC last October I still remember exactly what my arm felt like... I get goose bumps thinking about it.  That will be me again one day in the future; I have no idea when, but one day!  

"Good friends help you find important things when you have lost them... your smile, your hope and your courage."

Update in 21 Year Old Lymeland

Just your average update in a 21 year old’s Lymeland.  Things have been all over the place; I may say that often but it is the truth!  I blogged a little less than a week ago when I met Austin for the first time, which I could not be more grateful for, we haven’t spoken again since because I don’t want to overwhelm the only Lyme friend I have met my age.  I am going to text him today probably to check in and ask if he wants to get together this week and do something; I just do not want to come off as overbearing or a know it all.  He is taking the approach of listen strictly to the doctor and not really researches on his own much about his symptoms or anything like that.  The more he learns about this disease through his Dad I think he will begin researching on his own!  But I can tell he is a fighter I see it in his eyes; it gives me hope and strength.  He met me on such a good day that I think he thinks got a very different impression of me then I give off usually or maybe I think differently of myself mentally.  My friend Linda told me meeting him was my 21^st birthday gift and in a strange spiritual way I believe it. 

Anyways now for the update on myself, I did a very strong antibiotic called CoArtem on July 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd that is known for treating Malaria and for Babesia because it resembles Malaria and for its harsh side effects.  I have cut and pasted some facts from the FDA information website on CoArtem so that people reading this can have an idea of what this drug does to people that are highly sensitive systems.  I have lost most of my appetite as well as my sense of taste and people observe that as trying to lose weight or something like that, but I am not hungry I am not realizing hunger cues.  I think I am experiencing, “anorexia of infection is part of the acute phase response (APR) to infection.”  Anorexia the word itself does not mean an eating disorder it means a decrease sensation of appetite, just for the record not to scare anyone! 

These are the reactions for CoArtem:

Serious Adverse Reactions

The following serious and otherwise important adverse reactions are discussed in greater detail in other sections of labeling:

•                Hypersensitivity Reactions [see Contraindications (4.1) and Postmarketing Experience (6.3)].

Hypersensitivity for someone who already has hypersensitity to the maximum degree is not a good combintionà I was very irritable with sounds, lots of screaming and having to turn my computer of phone up to maximum sound to block out other sounds around me just to function.  My parents were afraid I would go deaf; they would try to tell me to turn it down, but I don’t think I could stand to be around anyone if I tried to turn it down.

I also realized I do not think I like certain materials touching my body; a lot of people my age love wearing jeans and other clothing similar and I absolutely hate it!  Quite frankly I hate clothes in general, but I do realize it is kind of a necessity.  When I am home alone and know that no one is coming back for a while I will definitely not wear any clothes and same goes for my apartment at home.  I don’t know if that is a Lyme correlation though although some people have claimed it is! 

Here are the side effects that go with CoArtem and now I completely understand why I only take it for 3 days and why I do not take any other antibiotics with it not even intravenous antibiotics. 

Table 1: Adverse Reactions Occurring in 3% or More of Adult Patients Treated in Clinical Trials with the 6-dose Regimen of Coartem Tablets

System Organ Class	Preferred Term	Adults* N=647 (%)
Nervous system disorders	Headache	360 (56)
	Dizziness	253 (39)
Metabolism and nutrition disorders	Anorexia	260 (40)
General disorders and administration site conditions	Asthenia	243 (38)
	Pyrexia	159 (25)
	Chills	147 (23)
	Fatigue	111 (17)
	Malaise	20 (3)
Musculoskeletal and connective tissue disorders	Arthralgia	219 (34)
	Myalgia	206 (32)
Gastrointestinal disorders	Nausea	169 (26)
	Vomiting	113 (17)
	Abdominal pain	112 (17)
	Diarrhea	46 (7)
Psychiatric disorders	Sleep disorder	144 (22)
	Insomnia	32 (5)
Cardiac disorders	Palpitations	115 (18)
Hepatobiliary disorders	Hepatomegaly	59 (9)
Blood and lymphatic system disorders	Splenomegaly	57 (9)
	Anemia	23 (4)
Respiratory, thoracic and mediastinal disorders	Cough	37 (6)
Skin and subcutaneous tissue disorders	Pruritus	24 (4)
	Rash	21 (3)
Ear and labyrinth disorders	Vertigo	21 (3)
Infections and infestations	Malaria	18 (3)
	Nasopharyngitis	17 (3)

Now I can actually talk about my week with CoArtem!  First day I felt pretty good I hung out with my friend Heather, who has a month old baby, and hanging out with the two of them brings me a lot of joy.  What made it so nice was that she picked me up from my hous so that I didn’t have to drive; we went shopping for Stevie her baby!  I am teaching him to call me Aunt Jamie J, I know he is still too young but Heather and I are very good friends and I want him to grow up knowing me as an Aunt.  The few hours of shopping exhausted me probably because it was rainy as well and I just ached all over.  More pain than I had felt the previous week.  My second week was much better than I had expected pain wise.  Being with Heather and Stevie was a great distraction, but I came home and sobbed for two hours just sobbed in my bed by my self.  That was one of the lowest points I had felt in weeks; my mind was playing games with me.  I should have taken a Xanax but I always think I am stronger than I am and never want to rely on prescription medication to calm me down, but looking back now I also wasn’t trying to do deep breathing or yoga to calm me down.  I was literally hyperventilating in my bed and allowing it to get worse.  I didn’t even reach out to anyone to comfort me.  I allowed myself to hyperventilate and cry to sleep; but I didn’t sleep much unfortunately.  Then luckily my good friend Jacie called me to check in and see how I was handling treatment in general and it was a lifesaver, little did she know.  I was honest with her and told her how I was really doing and feeling; I told her I felt like giving up and I didn’t want to do it anymore.  I felt guilt for being a burden on everyone’s lives and tired of wasting my parent’s money.  I kept breaking down on the phone, but she was so accepting way more than I was expecting and it was such a relief.  I felt a sense of relief after the phone call that night I did not sleep well just I haven’t been sleeping a lot recently.  I do not wake up in the middle night, which is great, but just not many hours I am estimating probably 6 or 7 hours. 

On the 2^nd, I sat in a coffee shop to try and do a bunch of work for my online developmental psychology class that I am taking and I experienced tremors in both hands around 1 and then around 3:35 I experienced the most excruciating leg nerve pain I have ever felt in my left calve, that caused me to make a noise out loud because I had my headphones in and didn’t really realize.  The people around me were staring; it took my breath away for a good few seconds and I had to take deep breaths then I packed up my stuff and had to get home before anything else happened.  I just went up to my room because I did notice that also my sound sensitivity has been growing stronger so it was easier not to deal with anything and just deal with my pain on my own in my room and that is just what I did.  There were more storms on this day too and I do not know if that was a contributing factor, but it was bad and also another not goodnights sleep; just still not a lot of hours.  And my mom and I had gotten into an argument about past lab results that were over a year old right before bed so that probably did not help and her instant way of dealing with me is take an Ativan; I do not think they were interpreted correctly. 

Also, that morning I had a therapy session over the phone with my therapist from Harrisonburg and it went well but it was a cry session I felt like and there is only so much you can cry before it is unhealthy.  Every time I am alone which is increasing I cry.  I sob; I asked her when that unhealthy line was; I know I am severely depressed but still I am just getting worried I know I contacting my support friends now like Laurie and Belinda but still.  I guess we will see; I am going to meet with her in person next Friday and I will have a more accurate answer I hope! 

On the 3^rd it was kind of a repeat of the 2^nd some crying maybe lots who knows, lots of studying in the coffee shop all day, some pain, and a long walk outside with a friend. 

Last dose of CoArtem, so liberating that I felt the need to take a picture!

Then on the 4^th, I went to the urgent care for having an earache in my right ear, I knew it was an ear infection but I needed documentation of it so I knew what to report to my LLMD (Lyme Literate MD).  I get there and have my blood pressure taken and it was 76/59 with a pulse of 93!  Yikes!  

The woman who took it I could tell was a bit nervous to even be around me after seeing numbers that low she took me back to a room immediately and told me someone would be with me shortly.  A woman comes in and begins questioning me about my blood pressure and is very concerned, I tell her that I am just in hear for my ear and would like it if she just looked in my ear told me if I had an infection or not and I would be on my way.  She wanted to call 911 and have me sent in an ambulance to the hospital because this was just too dangerous and I was a liability at this point!  Long story short, I had to call my Mom to come drive me home; she did look in my ears eventually and I had so much wax build up so she had to flush it out!  Then, did find an ear infection in my right ear and gave me a prescription for Amoxicillin in addition to an antibiotic ear drop to try and really clear this up!  Happy 4^th of July!  Although I was able to see fireworks and enjoy a great meal with my grandparents and my family cooked by my Mom, so it did turn out well!

Here are a few updates on lab work:

This is my blood work from 6/20/13

Lab work from the next week June 27, 2013

Notice the significant increase in EOS and decrease in Neutrophils.  I do not have any symptoms of allergies which is interesting to notice.  I am going back to Harrisonburg next week to take care of a few things and I think that will be nice to get away and be by myself but around people.

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."